Stop Kvetching!! ๐ฉ ืืืคืกืืง ืืืชืืืืื
English follows the Hebrew
ืงืืฉืืจ ืืกืจืืื
ืืื ืืืืื ืืช ืืืืืื ืืช?
ืฉืจื ืืื ืืื ืืืืจื ืืืื.
"ืื ื ืืืื. ืงืฉื ืื ืืืงืฉ ืืืจืื. ืื ืชืืื ืืืื ืืืจืืื.
ืื ืืฉืืืืืจ ืืืืจืื ืงืื ืื: ืืืืฆืื ืืช ืืืฉืคื, ืืืกืืฃ ืืช ืืืืืจ. ืืืืื ืชื ืืื ืืฉืืืืช ืฉืืื ื ืจืืฉืืืช. ืฉืืฉืื ืืฉืืืข "ืื", ืืื ืื ื ืื ืืืื ืขื "ืื". ืื ื ืืืืื ืืขืฉืืช ืคืจืฆืืฃ, ืืื ืื ื ืืจื.
ืืืขืืื ืืื ืืืฉืจ ืื ื ืืืงืฉืช ืืฉืื ืืืื. ืื ื ืืืืจืช, ืืกืืืจื ืืืกืืฃ ืืชืื ื ืช...ืืืืจื ืืื, ืืจืืื." ืื ืืขืฉืืช??"
ืืืืช ืื ืขืืฉืื?
ืืื ืื ื ืืืืขืช ืฉืื ื ืืืืืช ืืืงืฉ ืืฉืื ืืขืืืชื? ืืืื ืกืืื ืื ืืงืืืืื ืืฉ ืื ืขืื ืืคื ื ืฉืื ื ืฉืืืืช? ืืืฉืจ ืืชืืืื ืืืจืืืจ "ืืื ืื ืกื" โ ืชืืืฉืืช ืฉื ืืื ืฉืืชืืืืฆืช ืืงืฆืช ืืืืฉ ืืืจืื, ืื ืกืืื ืฉืืืฉ ืืฉืื ืื.
ืงืฉื ืื ืืืืืจ ืืืืฅ ืืืืงืฉ.
ืื ื ืืืืช ืจืืฆื ืืช ืืชืฉืืื ืฉืื ื ืจืืฆื! ืื ื ืจืืฆื ืืช ื"ืื! " ืื ื ืจืืฆื ืืช "ืื ืฉืชืืืื". ืื ื ืจืืฆื "ืืื ืืขืื". ืืื ื ืืืฉืฉืช ืฉืืืื ืื ืืงืื ืืช ืื. ืื ื ืืืืช ืืืืขืช ืฉืื ืื ืชืืื ืฉืืื ืงืื.
ืืืฉืจ ืืฉ ืืืืืจืื ืงืฉืื, ืื ืื ื ืขืืฉื? ืืฉ ืื ืืกืคืจ ืืงืืืงืืช. (ืืืืื ืฉืืชืืื ืืฉืชืืฉืช ืืืงืืืงืืช, ืืฉืื ื ืืชื ืืืช ืืื ืืืืจืช, ืื ื ื ืขืืจืช ืืืืื).
ืืืงืืืงื ืฉื ืืืื ืืื ืืืืื ืืช. ืืืช ืืืืจืช ืืืงืฉ ืืืื ืฉื ืจืืืื ืขืฆืืืื, ืืืฉืชืืฉ ืืืืืื ืื ืืจืืื ืฉ"ืื ืืชื ืืืืช ืืืื ืืืชื ... ".
ืืืืื ืืช ืื ืืืืื ืืช. ืื ืื ืืคื ืืื ืื ืืืืจ. ืืืืื ืฉืื ื ืื ืืื ืฉืืชืฉืืื ืชืืื "ืื", ืื ื ืืชืืืืื ืช ืืื ืืงืื ืืช ื"ืื "ืฉืื ื ืจืืฆื.
ืื ืืคืืืฆืื .
ืืื ืื ืขืืื? ืืืจื ืืื ืื. ืื ืื ืืฆื ืฉืจื, ืื ืื ืืฆืื ืืืืื ืื ืื ืืฆืืื.
ืืื ืื ื ืืจืืืฉื ืืื ืขื ืขืฆืื ืืฉืื ื ืืชืืืืื ืช? ืืฃ ืคืขื ืื.
ืื ืืื ืืคืกืืง? ืืืืจ ืืจืืฉืื ืืื ืืฉืื ืื ืืืืืืฅ ืืืื ืืืื (ืื ืืืจืื ืืชืคืืก ืื ืืืจืืืื ืืืืฉืืช). ืืชืืืฉื ืืืืคื ืืช ืืื ืืกืื ืช ืื ืฉืืฉืื ืงืืจื ืืื.
ืื ืื ื ืืฉื ืฉืืืื ืืฉืื ืื, ืื ืืืืจ ืฉืืฉืงืขืชื ืืื ืืจืื ืืืฉืื ืขื ืฉืืขืืชื ืืฉืืื. ืืืขืื ืฉืืฉืื ืืฉืืืข "ืื" ืืืื, ืืืฉื ืืงืืง ืืงืฆืช ืืื ืืื ืืงืืื ืืช ืื ืืฉื. ืื ืื ื ืืืืฆืช ืขืืื, ืื ืื ื ืืชืขืงืฉืช, ืื ืื ื ืืชืืืืื ืช, ืื ืคืฉืื ืืืื ืืืชื ืืืืช ืืฆืื.
ืื ืื ื ืขืืฉื? ืื ื ืืงืืืื ืืช ืืืงืฉื ืฉืื ืืืืืจื "ืชืืฉืื ืขื ืื ืืคื ื ืฉืืชื ืขืื ื, ืื ื ืื ืฆืจืืื ืืืขืช ืืื". ืืื ืื.
ืื ื ืงืืจืืช ืืื ืืชืืื ืืช ืืืืืื ืืช.
1. ืชืฉืืื ืื ืืชืืืฉืืช ืืืืฃ.
2. ืืชื ืืกืืื ? ืฉืืื ืื!
3. ืืืืื "ืื ื ืื ืจืืฆื ืชืฉืืื ืขืืฉืื, ืชืืฉืื ืขื ืื. ื ืืืจ ืืืจ" ( ืื ืืขืื ืฉืขื...ืืชื ืฉื ืจืื ืื) ืืคื ื ืืืงืฉื.
4. ืืขืืื ืืช ืื ืืฉื ืืขืืฉืื.
ืืคื ืฉืืืืชื ืืกืื ื"ื, ืืฉืืช ืืืงืฉืช ืืงืฉื, ืืช ืฆืจืืื ืืืืืช ืืืื ื ืืงืื ืืช ื"ืื ", ืืืืืง ืืื ืืช ื"ืื".
ืฉืืช ืฉืืื,
ืื ื
ืื ืืช ืจืืฆื ืขืื ืืืื ืืงืฉืจืื ืืืชืจ ืืืืื, ืฉืืื ืื ืืืืขื ืืื. ืืฉ ืืืืื ืืืฉื, ืืฉ ืกืื ืืืช, ืืฉ ืืืื, ืืฉ ืขืืจื.
WIPE away that kvetch!
Let's face it. It's hard to ask for things.
Sari came to me with her problem. "It's not hard for me to ask for little things like taking out the trash, picking up the mail, etc. For me those are non-emotional tasks that I'd love to hear a "yes", but I'll live with a "no" also. I might grunt a bit, but nothing major.
It's a different story when I'm asking for something big โ and by big, I mean the stomach clenching, stammering over my own words, this is really important to me, BIG. He many times says โNoโ and then we always end up in a fight."
Ever happen to you? It's happened to me too!
I really want the answer that I want! I want the "yes!" I want the "whatever you say". I want "no problem". And I'm afraid that I might not get it and from the start I actually know that it won't be an easy conversation.
So when things get hard, what do I do? My immature self uses a number of tactics. (Tactics are actions that my immature self uses. When I'm acting like a mature adult, I use tools.)
When I look at the facts in a mature fashion I use my tools.
In this situation the tactic I usually use is kvetching. Asking the question or making the request in a self-pitying tone, insinuating that "if you really love meโฆ" is Kvetching.
Kvetching is kvetching. It's feeling bad for me ahead of time. It's not pretty and it's not mature. It assumes that the answer will be "no", and it assumes that some manipulation is needed to get the "yes" that I want.
Does it work? Not usually. Do I feel good when I kvetch? Never.
So how do I stop? The first thing is to pay attention to that stomach clench (for you it might be a tight throat or weak knees). This physical sensation is telling me that something is going on here.
If it's a hard request it usually means that I've been thinking about it for a while. And while I would love to hear an immediate yes, my husband needs time to absorb the issue. If I press, if I insist, if I kvetch, it usually acts contrarily and builds up some resistance on his part.
So what I do is preface my request by saying "think about it before you answer, I don't need to know immediately.โ Thatโs the tool I use.
The WIPER. The WIPER that Wipes away the kvetch.
1.What's going on in your body?
2.If there's some tension โ pay attention!
3.Preface the conversation with "I don't want an answer now.โ
4.Ease up, breathe.
5.Relax.
If this request is something that I really want โ but I've actually been living without it for a while, I probably can continue living without getting the immediate "yes" that I'd like.
As I learned from my Grandfather, may he rest in peace, when you ask a question, you have to be willing to accept the "no", just as much as the "yes".
Give your husband time to think. It might work at first, but as with most tools, it takes practice to work well. Just don't give up and keep using your tools for a better relationship and a better marriage.
For more information and more tools PRESS HERE.
Shabbat Shalom,
Chani
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