My husband and I have been having the same argument for years. The topic can change, but it's always a variation on the same theme.
He's upset about something (his boss, the late delivery, a leak in a pipe) and speaks to me curtly.
I'm sensitive and take it personally. And we end up fighting over "his tone".
There's something about "his tone" that pushes my buttons. Even though logically I understand him, I still can't help feeling sad/upset/angry at the way he speaks to me.
How do I stop myself from getting upset?
I admire your self-awareness. You realize that your husband's anger is not about you. You understand your husband. But you are still suffering and it hurts.
With therapy you might be able to dig in the past and find the cause of your sensitivity to "harsh tones". It isn’t enough to understand where the problem comes from; what you want is a solution.
"How do I stop myself from getting upset?"
You don't. You're upset.
But what you can do is to put a space between your feelings (upset) and your reactions (arguing).
This awareness enables you to "try on" D. B.s (Different Behaviors) which will honor you, protect you and will eventually give you the outcome that you want!
I don't have a specific answer for you. There are no magic potions. You will find your way. In the meantime, my idea for you is to "try on":
1. Concentrate on your breathing
2. Write down on paper what's bothering you.
3. Go to another room.
4. Take a drink of water.
Your goal is to have "Space Makers" to place between your feelings and your non- productive behaviors. Space Makers which allow you to manage your reactions and behaviors, so that at the end of the day you'll be happy with the way YOU behaved. Space Makers – to open up your heart.
Hope this was helpful!
Any more questions, feel free to call me to set up a Personal Session!